


The Council of Elrond (the short short version)

by surgicalstainless



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Gandalf and Elrond are condescending dicks, Gen, Humor, I wrote this for my own amusement, Long and boring meetings, Sorry Not Sorry, The Council of Elrond, the tl:dr version
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2014-11-09
Packaged: 2018-02-24 17:12:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2589614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/surgicalstainless/pseuds/surgicalstainless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There followed a long and boring meeting, in which nobody was introduced to anybody else, no clear agenda was put forth, and everyone talked a lot about crucial information that they were only just now getting around to telling people. The attendees took turns trying to one-up each other on how horrible it was where they lived.<br/> </p><p>(This is literally just a (much) shorter version of <em>The Fellowship of the Ring</em> book 2 chapter 2, "The Council of Elrond." </p><p>...That's it. That's the fic.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Council of Elrond (the short short version)

**Author's Note:**

> I was rereading _The Fellowship of the Ring_ and I got to the Council of Elrond and it just went _on_ and _on_. I thought, "I may not be able to do better, but I can sure as hell do shorter." So here you go: the **tl;dr** version. *shrug* What can I say? It made me giggle.

Bilbo and Frodo and Sam were just chatting on the way to breakfast the next morning when Gandalf found them.

"Come on, Bilbo and Frodo! Super important secret meeting time!" he said.

"I am _right here_ ,” said Sam.

"Let’s go! You don’t want to keep the Elf Lords waiting, do you?" said Gandalf, ignoring him. "They’re Elf _Lords_ , you know. Very important.”

"But — breakfast!" said Bilbo and Frodo in dismay, following after the wizard.

———

There followed a long and boring meeting, in which nobody was introduced to anybody else, no clear agenda was put forth, and everyone talked a lot about crucial information that they were only just now getting around to telling people. The attendees took turns trying to one-up each other on how horrible it was where they lived.

"Some shady dude on a horse keeps visiting and asking to do a jewelry swap, then making vague threats when we don’t let him in," began Gloin.

"My people fought a war thousands of years ago, and nothing has been as cool since," sighed Elrond. "Even the flags were better then. Prettier soldiers, too."

"Wait," said Frodo, "how do you know that?"

"I am old," said Elrond. "Super old. Old as balls."

"Our country is at constant war with our neighbors, and no one ever comes to help," said Boromir.

"My people are slowly dying out, and we spend our time roaming the Northern wastes defending ignorant peasants from horrors they dream not of," countered Aragorn. "Also my sword is broken."

"I was attacked by a creepy pale dude under a mountain, and he called me a _thief_ ,” contributed Bilbo. “Ages ago. I lied about it until just now.”

"I inherited this stupid trinket from my uncle, and since then all anybody has tried to do is kill me," added Frodo.

"I kidnapped and tortured Gollum until he told me what I wanted to know, and left him with the Elves, Gitmo-style, while I went and looked stuff up in some dusty scrolls," said Gandalf.

"Then I was threatened and kidnapped by my boss," Gandalf went on, displaying absolutely no sense of irony. "I had to get rescued by an eagle, _again_. They will never let me hear the end of it. And then I stole a horse.”

"I heard that was a nice horse," reflected Boromir.

"Yeah, about Gollum," remembered Legolas. "He got away."

"What?" cried Gandalf.

Legolas shrugged. “He climbed a really tall tree and wouldn’t come down.”

"Was it eagles?" Gandalf asked with interest.

"Nope, orcs. We tried tracking him, but who can really track anybody in the forest?"

"You _live_ in the forest,” Gandalf pointed out.

"Yeah, and it’s _scary_ in there.” Legolas shuddered. “We should know.”

Oh, well. I’m sure that won’t be important later on,” said Gandalf.

"Anyway, what should we do about this ring?" asked Elrond. "Seems to me we can (a) give it to someone to put in a drawer somewhere and forget about, or (b) chuck it into the sea, or maybe (c) we could send someone to walk it right into the Dark Lord’s own backyard and see if his incinerator’s not busy."

"Why don’t we _use_ it?” demanded Boromir.

"Do _you_ know how to use a Ring of Power?” asked Elrond, down the length of his old-as-balls nose. Boromir looked sheepish. “Didn’t _think_ so. Destruction it is!”

"Hear hear!" said everyone except Bilbo, who said, "when’s lunch?"

"So," said Bilbo, in the interests of moving things along, "who’s gonna do it?"

Everyone shuffled in their seats and studiously avoided eye contact. In the distance, the lunch bell rang.

When the silence had become unbearable, Frodo spoke up. “ _Fine_ , I’ll do it. Whatever it is you’re talking about.”

Elrond brightened at once. “Excellent! We didn’t want to tell you to do it, and have your almost certain horrible death and miserable failure on our consciences, but now that you’ve _volunteered_ … Right, off you go!”

"Can I at least have a map?" Frodo asked.

**Author's Note:**

> You are heartily encouraged to come visit me on [tumblr](http://z-delenda-est.tumblr.com). I have no idea what I'm doing, but more friends are always better. And I really like prompts.


End file.
